healing, Relationships

Broken Hallelujah

There is something so beautiful when brokenness meets praise. Where there is nothing left to hold onto, other than a broken hallelujah. 

 

“The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God.”

Psalms 51:17 NLT

 

I was broken-hearted. I was tired of doing things my way and never experiencing true healing, because I thought I could cover my hurt with alcohol, men, partying. Anything to keep me distracted of the pain I was feeling in my heart.

This time – I finally decided I would give God a true and honest chance. I was willing to hurt, but, open to the idea of being healed…

I finally let go of what I thought I knew about God and church and I allowed myself to learn and grow in Him and His truth.

Learning the power of worship, brought true healing and strengthened my foundation.

 

At first, to be quite honest, I didn’t know the “music” I heard at church was actually worship. All I knew was that there was something going on in my heart and I was drawn to it.

 

A Responsive Heart

 

I wanted to play the same songs that I was hearing in church. I wanted the same goose-bump feelings, I felt as these songs played at the beginning of the service.

I wanted that same peace I felt when this broken girl was at church. I felt comforted. I felt new. I felt something I couldn’t put into words unless you felt it yourself.

 

There was a time I was talking to my sister Sheri about church. Sheri was the sister in whom I saw her life change for the better, because she was going to church…

During one of our conversations about church, she was simply explaining what worship was. She told me that – “worship is what we offer unto the Lord before He speaks to us. We give our hearts to God in Praise and it prepares us for what God will speak to us through the service.”

Simply put – Worship postures our hearts for the rest of the service.

Woah!

This was something I was so unaware of – BUT, when I heard it, it was as if my heart said yes and amen. 

When we tap into the presence of God, there is a part of our soul that is awakened.

That was exactly what I was experiencing…

My life wasn’t the same after that!

My source of joy, peace and the desire to love and forgive all came from Him. I began to live from Him.

 

 

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live. I will praise my God to my last breath.

Psalms 104:33 NLT

 

I remember going on YouTube and searching for the songs I was listening to at church. The songs that were on repeat at that time were songs like ‘Savior King’ and ‘Mighty to Save’ by Hillsong.  Lyrics, that penetrated right into my heart such as…

 “We love you Lord, we worship you

You are our God, you alone are good

You asked your Son to carry this

The heavy cross, our weight of sin”

~ Saviour King 

 

“So take me as You find me

All my fears and failures

And fill my life again

I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in

And now I surrender

(I surrender)”

~ Mighty To Save

 

Revelation was taking place. I was hearing these songs about worshiping someone whom I had heard of, but hadn’t actually understood the depth of who He REALLY is — JESUS — The one whom had saved me from myself. The Savior of the world. I wanted to surrender my life to Him…

 

 

I was able to let go of reason. I let go of logic and I engaged in a supernatural experience. Where I became fully aware of the presence of God. 

I allowed my heart to align with His Spirt. Something happened and there is no other answer other than – power released through worship. The power that releases through a heart dedicated to obedience to God. A heart after Gods heart.

 

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a refuge for me. A tower of strength against the enemy. Let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings. Selah. 

Psalms 61:2-4 NASB

 

Once I understood that worship is what I was offering unto the Lord, I began to hear the services in a different way.

I began to grow spiritually. God put people in my life who would take time to teach me about the Bible. And, one of those people would later on become my husband. He would not only teach me about the Bible, but I actually saw him live out what he spoke.

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My husband is a worshipper! I saw him unashamedly fall on his knees in reverence to God!

Learning to worship God was the beginning:

  • I’ve learnt to forgive myself.
  • I’ve learnt to forgive others.
  • I’ve learnt to wait.
  • I’ve learnt to trust Him.
  • I’ve been comforted.
  • I’ve experienced healing in my mind and body.

Learning to worship isn’t something that happens and stays. I’ve had to push through, and fight my flesh.

I’ve had to force my hands up. I have had to offer praises that were a sacrifice of faith. Believing that God would be faithful and meet me – right where I was.

 

The other thing I feel important to mention is, through all my seasons of life – I have learnt  to stay at the feet of Jesus. Meaning, regardless of what is going on in my life (marriage, family, financial, physical issues) I don’t allow myself to withdraw from the presence of God. You will find me at the front – worshipping with praise or pain.

I believe with ALL my heart, it is where my true and purest source of power, and strength is drawn from. I constantly must drink from the well of living water.

 

My prayer is, if you haven’t experienced the presence of God, that you will go deeper with Him. Starting with how you worship at church and at home. Don’t allow circumstances to dictate how you will offer your praises. Let your praises be offered in a fully surrendered heart. I promise – YOU – WON’T – regret it. He WILL draw close to you.

 

Rest in Him friend,

With Love,

Rosie Hernandez

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

healing

Once dead, and now ALIVE

When I look back at where my life truly began, I see a girl that’s running through the fields, twirling around with the wind blowing in her hair. She’s got her hands lifted up as if to say, “I’m free”. No longer is she holding the weight of condemnation against herself, for all she’s done in her previous life. All the guilt and shame has been taken away at the moment she believed. She believes she is loved. She believes that all is well, and it’s gonna be ok.

 

Life Before My Resurrection

It’s hard to look back and pin point a particular time in life where I felt my life turn for the worst. It happened over time. A slow path leading to a life of death. That’s what I was. I was dead on the inside. Doing everything I thought I could do to fill an empty void.

By the age of 17 I felt the pain of abandonment. Left to carry a child all by myself. By the time my son was born, I was soo confused as to what the “right” thing was. I didn’t grow up in a broken family. The idea of my son being born into a life as such, was heartbreaking. So, of course the right thing was to make things work between his dad and I. By the time my son was 2, I can’t even count the amount of times we tried “working things out”.

We both hurt each other in ways that were too painful to move forward and act as if it would be ok.

Fast forward to 8 years later, when I found myself once again pregnant. By the time my daughter was 3 weeks old, another breakup, another disappointment and more shame to add to my life.

By this time, I had soo much anger, hurt, rejection suppressed. I thought I was doing a good job of covering it up. You know, acting like everything is ok. Telling myself that I was a strong woman, because I wasn’t gonna let another man hurt me and walk away from me again. No man would ever be able to hurt me again, because I would do it first. It became a game to me.

I drank soo much. I partied hard and I tried drugs that made me feel good. I was the life of the party! So, I thought…

I became a woman that I certainly wouldn’t want to see my daughters become. I did things that I never thought I’d do. The life I lived through pain became unspeakable. I was promiscuous. I was a lover of money. I can’t count how many times I woke up hungover with regret. I experienced violation. Woke up one day while “friends” were in another room, unaware of what was happening to me while I was passed out in another room.

I was open to trying new things that I knew were not good for me or anyone in general. The list goes on and it gets darker.

There was a little girl inside of me, who was longing to be found. Longing to be held. Longing to be worth sticking around, because she was worth loving. Oh, how she cried out for that kind of love…

 

Found in HIM

 

“for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:24‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into a Christian church. I don’t remember what the message was… all I remember is that the Pastor said “after today, the hounds of the Holy Spirit will be chasing you. No matter how dark the place is, you will hear the howling of the Holy Spirit calling you… Hoowwwlll!!!”

At that moment, I just remember thinking to myself “he’s talking to me”. I remember feeling scared but also with this sense of being noticed. There was fear and there was relief, all wrapped up inside. As if to say; “I know what you have done, but it’s not gonna stop me from loving you and pursuing your heart.”

I wish I could say at that moment my life turned around completely. But honestly, it took awhile. Approximately 2 years before I wholly surrendered my life to the one who gives life.

But, one thing is certain. Those words that Pastor spoke were true. The Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart. I kept finding myself convicted while in the darkest of places. You see, that dark life was all I knew. I didn’t know how to let it go. But, because of Gods reckless love, it beckoned me into seeking a relationship with Him.

My spirit was crying out yes, while my flesh was saying this feels good for the moment, stay here. Oh how our hearts can be soo deceiving…

 

“The heart is deceitful above all things And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?”
‭‭JEREMIAH‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭AMP‬‬

 

I know now that God, really saw value in me. Who would continue to chase after a person, who rejects you time and time again?! When I think about how dark my life got after rejection, I’m blown away by Gods unfailing love. His unrelenting love He has for me. And not just me, but for you, for ALL mankind. For those who love Him, those who reject Him and spit in His face. Those who blaspheme His name and call life with Him, a fairytale.

I’ve read many books and I love watching all the Disney cartoons, but NONE can compare to the real love God has for us. Those fairytales won’t say the prince saved the girl from a life of drugs, promiscuity, drinking and hatred in her heart. Life with Jesus is real!

 

While some may think that today is an ordinary day. I’m filled with such gratitude for what this day represents. Here, this man left His Fathers side in paradise, to be born and live amongst people who would one day shout “Hosanna”, then a week later shout “crucify Him”.

While Jesus took the worst kind of beating, the worst kind of punishment; He did it with passion. People mocked Him while He was up on that “shameful” cross. Completely clueless as to what that cross represented.

“And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed His last. And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭15:37-38‬ ‭NASB‬‬

 

That cross meant life. That cross meant healing. That cross meant reunion with our Father who longed for the day that the curtain would be torn down. Because now, we have access to God. No more animal sacrifices. The shedding of blood that was necessary for the forgiveness of sins.

 

“Under the old covenant, the priest stands and ministers before the altar day after day, offering the same sacrifices again and again, which can never take away sins. But our High Priest offered Himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:11-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The perfect lamb of God gave up every ounce of blood. And He did with pure, genuine love for His creation.

I’m crying as I write this. No one has loved me in my darkest days the way that Jesus has.

I often feel like the woman who came to the feet of Jesus and broke the alabaster jar. All I wanna do is worship Him! Give Him my offering of praise. Because He truly is worthy! He deserves all of me. And it’s my goal to give it to Him. I’m not perfect at it, but I continually strive for it.

I’m praying. Praying for the girl who has experienced the things I have or worse. Praying for the addictions that seem greater than His love. Praying for those who are abandoned, those who feel rejected. Praying for those whose successful lives, seem greater than a relationship with our Creator. Praying for you reading this. Yes you! God sees you. He loves you more than anyone EVER could. He sees your pain. He sees your rejection. But if you just look into His eyes, you’ll see past all the hurt. Just stay there for a moment, and let Him embrace you. Close your eyes and do this. And don’t stop until you feel the warmth of His embrace. It’s real friend! Allow Him to reveal your true value.

 

Rest in Him friend,

With love,

Rosie Hernandez