healing

Once dead, and now ALIVE

When I look back at where my life truly began, I see a girl that’s running through the fields, twirling around with the wind blowing in her hair. She’s got her hands lifted up as if to say, “I’m free”. No longer is she holding the weight of condemnation against herself, for all she’s done in her previous life. All the guilt and shame has been taken away at the moment she believed. She believes she is loved. She believes that all is well, and it’s gonna be ok.

 

Life Before My Resurrection

It’s hard to look back and pin point a particular time in life where I felt my life turn for the worst. It happened over time. A slow path leading to a life of death. That’s what I was. I was dead on the inside. Doing everything I thought I could do to fill an empty void.

By the age of 17 I felt the pain of abandonment. Left to carry a child all by myself. By the time my son was born, I was soo confused as to what the “right” thing was. I didn’t grow up in a broken family. The idea of my son being born into a life as such, was heartbreaking. So, of course the right thing was to make things work between his dad and I. By the time my son was 2, I can’t even count the amount of times we tried “working things out”.

We both hurt each other in ways that were too painful to move forward and act as if it would be ok.

Fast forward to 8 years later, when I found myself once again pregnant. By the time my daughter was 3 weeks old, another breakup, another disappointment and more shame to add to my life.

By this time, I had soo much anger, hurt, rejection suppressed. I thought I was doing a good job of covering it up. You know, acting like everything is ok. Telling myself that I was a strong woman, because I wasn’t gonna let another man hurt me and walk away from me again. No man would ever be able to hurt me again, because I would do it first. It became a game to me.

I drank soo much. I partied hard and I tried drugs that made me feel good. I was the life of the party! So, I thought…

I became a woman that I certainly wouldn’t want to see my daughters become. I did things that I never thought I’d do. The life I lived through pain became unspeakable. I was promiscuous. I was a lover of money. I can’t count how many times I woke up hungover with regret. I experienced violation. Woke up one day while “friends” were in another room, unaware of what was happening to me while I was passed out in another room.

I was open to trying new things that I knew were not good for me or anyone in general. The list goes on and it gets darker.

There was a little girl inside of me, who was longing to be found. Longing to be held. Longing to be worth sticking around, because she was worth loving. Oh, how she cried out for that kind of love…

 

Found in HIM

 

“for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:24‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into a Christian church. I don’t remember what the message was… all I remember is that the Pastor said “after today, the hounds of the Holy Spirit will be chasing you. No matter how dark the place is, you will hear the howling of the Holy Spirit calling you… Hoowwwlll!!!”

At that moment, I just remember thinking to myself “he’s talking to me”. I remember feeling scared but also with this sense of being noticed. There was fear and there was relief, all wrapped up inside. As if to say; “I know what you have done, but it’s not gonna stop me from loving you and pursuing your heart.”

I wish I could say at that moment my life turned around completely. But honestly, it took awhile. Approximately 2 years before I wholly surrendered my life to the one who gives life.

But, one thing is certain. Those words that Pastor spoke were true. The Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart. I kept finding myself convicted while in the darkest of places. You see, that dark life was all I knew. I didn’t know how to let it go. But, because of Gods reckless love, it beckoned me into seeking a relationship with Him.

My spirit was crying out yes, while my flesh was saying this feels good for the moment, stay here. Oh how our hearts can be soo deceiving…

 

“The heart is deceitful above all things And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?”
‭‭JEREMIAH‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭AMP‬‬

 

I know now that God, really saw value in me. Who would continue to chase after a person, who rejects you time and time again?! When I think about how dark my life got after rejection, I’m blown away by Gods unfailing love. His unrelenting love He has for me. And not just me, but for you, for ALL mankind. For those who love Him, those who reject Him and spit in His face. Those who blaspheme His name and call life with Him, a fairytale.

I’ve read many books and I love watching all the Disney cartoons, but NONE can compare to the real love God has for us. Those fairytales won’t say the prince saved the girl from a life of drugs, promiscuity, drinking and hatred in her heart. Life with Jesus is real!

 

While some may think that today is an ordinary day. I’m filled with such gratitude for what this day represents. Here, this man left His Fathers side in paradise, to be born and live amongst people who would one day shout “Hosanna”, then a week later shout “crucify Him”.

While Jesus took the worst kind of beating, the worst kind of punishment; He did it with passion. People mocked Him while He was up on that “shameful” cross. Completely clueless as to what that cross represented.

“And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed His last. And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭15:37-38‬ ‭NASB‬‬

 

That cross meant life. That cross meant healing. That cross meant reunion with our Father who longed for the day that the curtain would be torn down. Because now, we have access to God. No more animal sacrifices. The shedding of blood that was necessary for the forgiveness of sins.

 

“Under the old covenant, the priest stands and ministers before the altar day after day, offering the same sacrifices again and again, which can never take away sins. But our High Priest offered Himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:11-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The perfect lamb of God gave up every ounce of blood. And He did with pure, genuine love for His creation.

I’m crying as I write this. No one has loved me in my darkest days the way that Jesus has.

I often feel like the woman who came to the feet of Jesus and broke the alabaster jar. All I wanna do is worship Him! Give Him my offering of praise. Because He truly is worthy! He deserves all of me. And it’s my goal to give it to Him. I’m not perfect at it, but I continually strive for it.

I’m praying. Praying for the girl who has experienced the things I have or worse. Praying for the addictions that seem greater than His love. Praying for those who are abandoned, those who feel rejected. Praying for those whose successful lives, seem greater than a relationship with our Creator. Praying for you reading this. Yes you! God sees you. He loves you more than anyone EVER could. He sees your pain. He sees your rejection. But if you just look into His eyes, you’ll see past all the hurt. Just stay there for a moment, and let Him embrace you. Close your eyes and do this. And don’t stop until you feel the warmth of His embrace. It’s real friend! Allow Him to reveal your true value.

 

Rest in Him friend,

With love,

Rosie Hernandez

 

forgiveness

Pursuit To Happiness

What truly makes a person happy?

I think too often we come into the church with these expectations of perfection. When people are tired of the world and all it’s drama, they want something different!

The church is filled with people. Many people. People with issues. Some with BIG issues. Some are working on their issues and some haven’t realized they have issues. My point is, we can’t control other people’s actions. I’ve learned in my short 9 years serving God that we can often get offended, feel rejected, even mistreated, feel under appreciated and feel out of place in the church. But, on the other end, we can also be embraced, receive plenty of love, be appreciated and feel like you belong. Exactly as God intended the church to be!

I naively stepped into the church with expectations that I wouldn’t ever feel ugly emotions that I felt when I was in the world, (i.e jealousy, hatred, rejection, un-forgiveness etc.). To my surprise, I found that and much more. I couldn’t believe that there were girls (and guys) who would intentionally do things to cause trouble for others or even worse would do things they had just preached over the pulpit that we “shouldn’t” do. It blew my mind!

I found myself in a place, where I began to have issues with certain people. I was filled with frustration and anger. Church no longer felt like church to me, you know; a safe place. It felt like I was back in high school and competing to be one at the top. Constantly feeling the need to prove myself.

Too often we come naively thinking that church makes our life easier and when things go wrong, we often fight God and somehow blame Him for the actions of others. Even worse, because of unresolved issues, we can become resentful towards the church, God, Pastors and Christians all together. We hold issues against people and before you know it – we are in bondage and we don’t even know it. And all the while satan is behind most of it; spewing lies and feeding more lies to get you to believe that you are right and somehow everyone else is wrong. If we’re not careful  slandering takes place, groups form and we’ve become separated from everyone else.

I’m thankful to God that when my husband and I were friends, he was a man of integrity. He practiced what he preached and he even taught me to do the same. He taught me to honor leadership and live according to what God’s word tells us. Every misunderstanding I had, he taught me to take it to the feet of Jesus. My safe circle consisted of 2 women, who would tell me the TRUTH, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, and they would pray with and for me.

 

Own Your Mistakes

If you have whole-heartedly accepted Jesus into your heart, then you believe that we are sinners in need of a Savior. If you believe you are a sinner, then you acknowledge we need help. We need the help of the Holy Spirit to guide us and give us His truth. Because we are constantly in battle with our flesh, we war with decisions of what is right and wrong. Not all things that seem good to us, are good. The fruit that Eve held in her hand “seemed good” [Genesis 3:6-13]. It’s imperative that we learn to discern the truthful words the Holy Spirit is speaking to us. When we are young in our faith we will make mistakes (I’ve made plenty). We learn through our mistakes by acknowledging our part. We must own up to things that brought about hurtful issues in church.

When we own our part of any issues, it shows maturity. Even if you believe a person is wholly responsible for the issues and you feel just for your actions – but you can admit to adding to it, there is such a supernatural thing that takes place in your heart. It’s unexplainable! Not all people will want to own up to their actions, or be the first to say “I was wrong”, but when you are dedicated to hearing from the Holy Spirt, you are compelled to do what is right! If someone else isn’t doing it, I can assure you that Jesus is interceding for YOU to step up to the plate and be the first. Why??? Because, when we can do this, we are imitating what we believe Jesus has done for us on that cross.

 

Practice What You Preach

There was an incident I experienced about a year ago. My oldest daughter sat in the fellowship area at the church. There were 2 women who had chose to leave the church earlier that year and came back for a fund raiser the church had that day. Not knowing my daughter was sitting there, one woman held my youngest son. My son has this bump on his right side, just under his arm, that we have been praying and believing that it would be removed without any kind of surgery. As this woman was holding my son, she felt the bump and told the other woman to feel it. (This other girl was someone I had issues with in the past. She left the church about a year before that, and decided that day that she would return). As the woman, told her to feel the bump on my son, she said “eww no! I’m taking my sons away from him.” Grabbed her 2 boys and ran away. As my daughter heard all this, she was dismayed, and ran to tell me what she had heard.

At that moment, as she told me everything, I felt sick to my stomach and rage in my heart. I was conflicted with confronting this girl about what she said, or bringing this issue to the pastors. I was soo upset and hurt at the same time. I told my husband what happened and we both agreed we would take this issue straight to throne of God.

We both decided that we would let it go and give it over to God. Soo much hurt and anger as I prayed for Gods divine touch. I wanted soo badly to take things into my own hands. I felt I had every right to be upset! This wasn’t a young girl who said this, it was a grown woman with children. As each day passed I prayed and prayed for God to take those ugly feelings of hate in my heart. I actually felt hate in my heart. I felt justified to feel the way I did. She said this about my son! A child.

There, I was at church on Wednesday and Sunday with a “faith” smile. I even went as far as hugging her. I believe many would ask why; Why did I go out of my way to hug a girl I knew I didn’t like. The reason I did that, was because I knew, if I kept my distance from her, I would fester more negative feelings toward her.

The week before this incident, I was asked to speak to the woman at our Women’s Service. I spoke on the fierce love of God. I reminded the women of Gods fierce love for us, and how He sent His Son to die for us. If I believed that Gods love for us is fierce, then I have to believe that Gods love for this woman is just as fierce for her as it is for me. And I had to believe that He would make good of this situation. If not by her choice, then at least by my choice.

 

UN-FORGIVENESS LEADS TO THE ABSENCE OF JOY

If I am honest with myself, I can relate to Jonah. After preaching salvation to the wicked, many of those people turned their hearts to God. And after all that, rather than celebrating God’s mercy, Jonah was upset. He went away alone and sat under a plant sulking in his own bitterness. Jonah had his own idea of Gods judgement [Jonah 4:1-6].

We can be that way as well. We can create these ideas in our hearts and minds of how God should judge because of what others have done to us. You know who ends up suffering from that kind of thinking – we do. If we don’t allow ourselves to be free from bitterness, that bitterness prevents us from experiencing the fullness of a joy-filled life, that Jesus offers us.

“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:19‬ ‭NLT

MERCY = undeserved kindness.

I truly know how much God has forgiven me for. I know how much I NEED The Lords mercy. How could I expect God to forgive me, and not do the same to someone else in return.

Friend, we are called to be Christ-like. When we truly believe with our whole heart that Jesus gave His life for OUR sins, we really understand what we’ve been forgiven from. In my desire to be Christ-like, I have experienced something unexplainable take over my heart. In my stony, stubborn heart, God replaced it with a tender responsive heart as He put His Spirit inside me [Ezekiel 36:26,27].

 

“You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows. Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” ‭Psalms 23:5-6 NASB‬

The Lord prepares the table before our enemies (i.e anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, judgment, jealousies).
My cup overflows with love, forgiveness, mercy and grace.

 

Choose Joy

You have a choice. Have you ever sat back, and thought about that powerful statement. In this ever evolving world, that our God has created, we have been given a choice. God gives us free will. He gives us the option to choose yes or no. Yes I believe. No I won’t. Yes, I’ll forgive. I’ll choose to hold onto reason, not to forgive.

Joy is the difference-maker in the life of a believer.

When you hold both tragedy and joy in one hand it invites restoration.

There were so many negative issues I experienced through one person. But you know what! I choose to take up my cross daily. I lay those issues at the feet of Jesus daily. I trust that Jesus will make ALL things new. And that means He’ll give me a new heart daily to receive His mercy and return it back to those who have wronged me. And in that, I’m able to receive His abundant joy. And it overflows in my life.

Let me encourage you that nothing goes unnoticed to our God. If you desire true healing no matter the cost, I can assure you that God will grant you what you have asked. Sometimes to get to the healing, we have to overcome painful obstacles. God wants us to trust Him, even when things seem soo wrong. In our desire to fulfill Gods plan in our lives, we stayed in a painful place for a long time, until the Lord made the way to bring us to a safe place. God intended the churches to be a safe place for people to be restored. Where people can thrive in the gifts that God has placed inside of them. We are now in that place! Hallelujah!

If you want to be happy, true happiness comes with being content in your relationship with God, His Son and the ever so present help of His Holy Spirit, who work together as ONE, on our behalf to be one with Him.

This year is coming to an end. Don’t allow the enemy or yourself, to rob you from true peace, true healing and TRUE HAPPINESS. Choose joy. Choose forgiveness. Choose love, even when we strongly believe someone is unworthy of it. Allow the Holy Spirit to make you NEW! Forgive, because God has forgiven you!

 

Rest in Him friend,

With Love

Rosie Hernandez