When I look back at where my life truly began, I see a girl that’s running through the fields, twirling around with the wind blowing in her hair. She’s got her hands lifted up as if to say, “I’m free”. No longer is she holding the weight of condemnation against herself, for all she’s done in her previous life. All the guilt and shame has been taken away at the moment she believed. She believes she is loved. She believes that all is well, and it’s gonna be ok.
Life Before My Resurrection
It’s hard to look back and pin point a particular time in life where I felt my life turn for the worst. It happened over time. A slow path leading to a life of death. That’s what I was. I was dead on the inside. Doing everything I thought I could do to fill an empty void.
By the age of 17 I felt the pain of abandonment. Left to carry a child all by myself. By the time my son was born, I was soo confused as to what the “right” thing was. I didn’t grow up in a broken family. The idea of my son being born into a life as such, was heartbreaking. So, of course the right thing was to make things work between his dad and I. By the time my son was 2, I can’t even count the amount of times we tried “working things out”.
We both hurt each other in ways that were too painful to move forward and act as if it would be ok.
Fast forward to 8 years later, when I found myself once again pregnant. By the time my daughter was 3 weeks old, another breakup, another disappointment and more shame to add to my life.
By this time, I had soo much anger, hurt, rejection suppressed. I thought I was doing a good job of covering it up. You know, acting like everything is ok. Telling myself that I was a strong woman, because I wasn’t gonna let another man hurt me and walk away from me again. No man would ever be able to hurt me again, because I would do it first. It became a game to me.
I drank soo much. I partied hard and I tried drugs that made me feel good. I was the life of the party! So, I thought…
I became a woman that I certainly wouldn’t want to see my daughters become. I did things that I never thought I’d do. The life I lived through pain became unspeakable. I was promiscuous. I was a lover of money. I can’t count how many times I woke up hungover with regret. I experienced violation. Woke up one day while “friends” were in another room, unaware of what was happening to me while I was passed out in another room.
I was open to trying new things that I knew were not good for me or anyone in general. The list goes on and it gets darker.
There was a little girl inside of me, who was longing to be found. Longing to be held. Longing to be worth sticking around, because she was worth loving. Oh, how she cried out for that kind of love…
Found in HIM
“for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.”
Luke 15:24 NASB
I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into a Christian church. I don’t remember what the message was… all I remember is that the Pastor said “after today, the hounds of the Holy Spirit will be chasing you. No matter how dark the place is, you will hear the howling of the Holy Spirit calling you… Hoowwwlll!!!”
At that moment, I just remember thinking to myself “he’s talking to me”. I remember feeling scared but also with this sense of being noticed. There was fear and there was relief, all wrapped up inside. As if to say; “I know what you have done, but it’s not gonna stop me from loving you and pursuing your heart.”
I wish I could say at that moment my life turned around completely. But honestly, it took awhile. Approximately 2 years before I wholly surrendered my life to the one who gives life.
But, one thing is certain. Those words that Pastor spoke were true. The Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart. I kept finding myself convicted while in the darkest of places. You see, that dark life was all I knew. I didn’t know how to let it go. But, because of Gods reckless love, it beckoned me into seeking a relationship with Him.
My spirit was crying out yes, while my flesh was saying this feels good for the moment, stay here. Oh how our hearts can be soo deceiving…
“The heart is deceitful above all things And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?”
JEREMIAH 17:9 AMP
I know now that God, really saw value in me. Who would continue to chase after a person, who rejects you time and time again?! When I think about how dark my life got after rejection, I’m blown away by Gods unfailing love. His unrelenting love He has for me. And not just me, but for you, for ALL mankind. For those who love Him, those who reject Him and spit in His face. Those who blaspheme His name and call life with Him, a fairytale.
I’ve read many books and I love watching all the Disney cartoons, but NONE can compare to the real love God has for us. Those fairytales won’t say the prince saved the girl from a life of drugs, promiscuity, drinking and hatred in her heart. Life with Jesus is real!
While some may think that today is an ordinary day. I’m filled with such gratitude for what this day represents. Here, this man left His Fathers side in paradise, to be born and live amongst people who would one day shout “Hosanna”, then a week later shout “crucify Him”.
While Jesus took the worst kind of beating, the worst kind of punishment; He did it with passion. People mocked Him while He was up on that “shameful” cross. Completely clueless as to what that cross represented.
“And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed His last. And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.”
Mark 15:37-38 NASB
That cross meant life. That cross meant healing. That cross meant reunion with our Father who longed for the day that the curtain would be torn down. Because now, we have access to God. No more animal sacrifices. The shedding of blood that was necessary for the forgiveness of sins.
“Under the old covenant, the priest stands and ministers before the altar day after day, offering the same sacrifices again and again, which can never take away sins. But our High Priest offered Himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand.”
Hebrews 10:11-12 NLT
The perfect lamb of God gave up every ounce of blood. And He did with pure, genuine love for His creation.
I’m crying as I write this. No one has loved me in my darkest days the way that Jesus has.
I often feel like the woman who came to the feet of Jesus and broke the alabaster jar. All I wanna do is worship Him! Give Him my offering of praise. Because He truly is worthy! He deserves all of me. And it’s my goal to give it to Him. I’m not perfect at it, but I continually strive for it.
I’m praying. Praying for the girl who has experienced the things I have or worse. Praying for the addictions that seem greater than His love. Praying for those who are abandoned, those who feel rejected. Praying for those whose successful lives, seem greater than a relationship with our Creator. Praying for you reading this. Yes you! God sees you. He loves you more than anyone EVER could. He sees your pain. He sees your rejection. But if you just look into His eyes, you’ll see past all the hurt. Just stay there for a moment, and let Him embrace you. Close your eyes and do this. And don’t stop until you feel the warmth of His embrace. It’s real friend! Allow Him to reveal your true value.
Rest in Him friend,