healing

Once dead, and now ALIVE

When I look back at where my life truly began, I see a girl that’s running through the fields, twirling around with the wind blowing in her hair. She’s got her hands lifted up as if to say, “I’m free”. No longer is she holding the weight of condemnation against herself, for all she’s done in her previous life. All the guilt and shame has been taken away at the moment she believed. She believes she is loved. She believes that all is well, and it’s gonna be ok.

 

Life Before My Resurrection

It’s hard to look back and pin point a particular time in life where I felt my life turn for the worst. It happened over time. A slow path leading to a life of death. That’s what I was. I was dead on the inside. Doing everything I thought I could do to fill an empty void.

By the age of 17 I felt the pain of abandonment. Left to carry a child all by myself. By the time my son was born, I was soo confused as to what the “right” thing was. I didn’t grow up in a broken family. The idea of my son being born into a life as such, was heartbreaking. So, of course the right thing was to make things work between his dad and I. By the time my son was 2, I can’t even count the amount of times we tried “working things out”.

We both hurt each other in ways that were too painful to move forward and act as if it would be ok.

Fast forward to 8 years later, when I found myself once again pregnant. By the time my daughter was 3 weeks old, another breakup, another disappointment and more shame to add to my life.

By this time, I had soo much anger, hurt, rejection suppressed. I thought I was doing a good job of covering it up. You know, acting like everything is ok. Telling myself that I was a strong woman, because I wasn’t gonna let another man hurt me and walk away from me again. No man would ever be able to hurt me again, because I would do it first. It became a game to me.

I drank soo much. I partied hard and I tried drugs that made me feel good. I was the life of the party! So, I thought…

I became a woman that I certainly wouldn’t want to see my daughters become. I did things that I never thought I’d do. The life I lived through pain became unspeakable. I was promiscuous. I was a lover of money. I can’t count how many times I woke up hungover with regret. I experienced violation. Woke up one day while “friends” were in another room, unaware of what was happening to me while I was passed out in another room.

I was open to trying new things that I knew were not good for me or anyone in general. The list goes on and it gets darker.

There was a little girl inside of me, who was longing to be found. Longing to be held. Longing to be worth sticking around, because she was worth loving. Oh, how she cried out for that kind of love…

 

Found in HIM

 

“for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate.”
‭‭Luke‬ ‭15:24‬ ‭NASB‬‬

I’ll never forget the first time I stepped into a Christian church. I don’t remember what the message was… all I remember is that the Pastor said “after today, the hounds of the Holy Spirit will be chasing you. No matter how dark the place is, you will hear the howling of the Holy Spirit calling you… Hoowwwlll!!!”

At that moment, I just remember thinking to myself “he’s talking to me”. I remember feeling scared but also with this sense of being noticed. There was fear and there was relief, all wrapped up inside. As if to say; “I know what you have done, but it’s not gonna stop me from loving you and pursuing your heart.”

I wish I could say at that moment my life turned around completely. But honestly, it took awhile. Approximately 2 years before I wholly surrendered my life to the one who gives life.

But, one thing is certain. Those words that Pastor spoke were true. The Holy Spirit kept tugging at my heart. I kept finding myself convicted while in the darkest of places. You see, that dark life was all I knew. I didn’t know how to let it go. But, because of Gods reckless love, it beckoned me into seeking a relationship with Him.

My spirit was crying out yes, while my flesh was saying this feels good for the moment, stay here. Oh how our hearts can be soo deceiving…

 

“The heart is deceitful above all things And it is extremely sick; Who can understand it fully and know its secret motives?”
‭‭JEREMIAH‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭AMP‬‬

 

I know now that God, really saw value in me. Who would continue to chase after a person, who rejects you time and time again?! When I think about how dark my life got after rejection, I’m blown away by Gods unfailing love. His unrelenting love He has for me. And not just me, but for you, for ALL mankind. For those who love Him, those who reject Him and spit in His face. Those who blaspheme His name and call life with Him, a fairytale.

I’ve read many books and I love watching all the Disney cartoons, but NONE can compare to the real love God has for us. Those fairytales won’t say the prince saved the girl from a life of drugs, promiscuity, drinking and hatred in her heart. Life with Jesus is real!

 

While some may think that today is an ordinary day. I’m filled with such gratitude for what this day represents. Here, this man left His Fathers side in paradise, to be born and live amongst people who would one day shout “Hosanna”, then a week later shout “crucify Him”.

While Jesus took the worst kind of beating, the worst kind of punishment; He did it with passion. People mocked Him while He was up on that “shameful” cross. Completely clueless as to what that cross represented.

“And Jesus uttered a loud cry, and breathed His last. And the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭15:37-38‬ ‭NASB‬‬

 

That cross meant life. That cross meant healing. That cross meant reunion with our Father who longed for the day that the curtain would be torn down. Because now, we have access to God. No more animal sacrifices. The shedding of blood that was necessary for the forgiveness of sins.

 

“Under the old covenant, the priest stands and ministers before the altar day after day, offering the same sacrifices again and again, which can never take away sins. But our High Priest offered Himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:11-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The perfect lamb of God gave up every ounce of blood. And He did with pure, genuine love for His creation.

I’m crying as I write this. No one has loved me in my darkest days the way that Jesus has.

I often feel like the woman who came to the feet of Jesus and broke the alabaster jar. All I wanna do is worship Him! Give Him my offering of praise. Because He truly is worthy! He deserves all of me. And it’s my goal to give it to Him. I’m not perfect at it, but I continually strive for it.

I’m praying. Praying for the girl who has experienced the things I have or worse. Praying for the addictions that seem greater than His love. Praying for those who are abandoned, those who feel rejected. Praying for those whose successful lives, seem greater than a relationship with our Creator. Praying for you reading this. Yes you! God sees you. He loves you more than anyone EVER could. He sees your pain. He sees your rejection. But if you just look into His eyes, you’ll see past all the hurt. Just stay there for a moment, and let Him embrace you. Close your eyes and do this. And don’t stop until you feel the warmth of His embrace. It’s real friend! Allow Him to reveal your true value.

 

Rest in Him friend,

With love,

Rosie Hernandez

 

encouragement

THE BEAUTY OF WONDER

My husband and I recently made a huge change in ministry, that was prayerfully made. We sought counsel, and got confirmation that this was right. Sunday morning came, and we were excited and nervous to be a part of a new church. We were in a time to be refreshed. This was gonna be great. Brighter days were ahead of us.

About 2 weeks after, I found myself in a bit of a funk, spiritually. I believe God wanted me to trust Him, and be still. But, instead of being still, I was questioning myself, because I was no longer “busy” doing Kingdom Business.

9 years ago when I made a decision to take my walk with God seriously, I immediately started serving. I wanted to have accountability. I did not take it lightly. I was always doing something. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to.

Here I am, at this awesome new church. Im excited to be around new and loving people. New friendships are being built. This is awesome! But here I was, allowing mixed emotions to get me in this spiritual funk. What was my problem?! I quickly realized, that because I wasn’t doing anything in the church at the moment, I allowed myself to somehow feel “useless”.

What was wrong with me?! Did I really think God, was done with me? You would think so, by the lies I was feeding into. These were lies. They were ugly, tormenting lies! Was this the first time I had experienced battles of the mind? Of course not. The difference this time, I was entertaining the thoughts.

MY MOMENT…

“Many people are suffering— crushed by the weight of their troubles. But the Lord is a refuge for them, a safe place they can run to.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭9:9‬ ‭ERV‬‬

I’m so glad to have a God who is, ever so present. Who stays close to us, even when we find ourselves in a mess. Who is a faithful friend! I have Him to run to, as my safe place.

Can we agree that change is uncomfortable? Huge changes in our life can cause confusion. It can cause us to question many things. In some cases, it causes us to question Gods character.

I knew I was allowing my emotions to get the best of me. So what did I do – I put on worship music.

“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭40:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

As I was listening to the song Wonder by Hillsong. The word wonder, kept calling out to me. I looked up the definition. To my amazement, I found this…

WONDER:
1) to think or speculate curiously
2) to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel

In my observance, I realize they’re completely different, yet both are profound in learning and growing, leading to a deeper relationship with our astounding God. Allow me to explain:

On one side we can find ourselves questioning (I wonder why God is allowing this to happen). The other, is a moment of revelation (God is so good. He’s faithful, He always provides, etc.) We often find ourselves either questioning Gods goodness or we are in awe of His goodness.

The beauty of wonder, is that whichever side of it you find yourself – God is there.

 

The lyrics to Hillsong, Wonder read:
“You’re the wonder in the wild
Turning wilderness to wonder”

When we read about the Israelites in the wilderness – we read, all about the murmurs that were coming from a people who had just experienced God miraculously delivering them from Pharaoh. As Pharaoh, chased them down to a place where they had no where to turn. God, split the seas in two and gave them dry land to walk on. I can only imagine the sight of this, as they walked through, they can see the fish that were swimming in the ocean. The sea life on both sides and no harm has come to them. They made it safely to the other side.

God is preparing them, to enter the Promise Land. Yet, here they are asking God why He’s allowed them to be in the desert, where it’s dry and there is no food or water in sight. Why would a God, who protected them from the enemy – who wanted to kill them, place them in the middle of nowhere?!? Imagine ALL the questions and doubts that would run through the mind.

It took them 40 years of circling this “dry” place. Murmuring that continued, day after day, and night, after night…

Wow! I can relate. That was me! After experiencing Gods faithfulness over and over again, here I was asking myself questions. When I knew God remains faithful.

I was about to experience Gods wonder in the midst of my wilderness…

FIND HIM IN THE MIDST OF YOUR STORM

When I reviewed the definition, the Holy Spirit, revealed some things to me. There were prayers being answered that I had been praying about, for a while…

My husband and I love fellowship, and we know how important discipleship in church is. So, hanging out and pouring ourselves into people was a given. Only thing, is that my husband was always pouring himself into others – yet, he didn’t always have someone that could pour into him. And, here we are in this new place. He’s connecting. Great men of God are just loving on him. The Holy Spirit was saying; take a look at what’s happening. These are your prayers being answered.

I was in a great place, that I knew deep inside my heart – God had placed us there. And because I wasn’t “busy” serving God – I felt out of place. It made me question if things that had been spoken over our lives were really from God. We knew that moving forward, we NEEDED a time of refreshment. A time for healing. A time to allow God to speak over our lives through others. What I did was allow the enemy lies to become louder than Gods truth. My heart was wandering.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭55:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

As I allowed the Holy Spirit to reveal these things to me, I knew God was dealing with me. I couldn’t see past my emotions. But, if I trust Him, I’ll be able to see the bigger picture

I had to take a step back to see what God was already doing. Friendships were progressing. Our hearts are being stirred with new visions – for us and for our children as well! We are now seeing their vision and are becoming a part of it.

Last month my church had a series on Excavate – to dig deeper. I had to dig deeper into this love that God has for me. His unconditional love – the love that doesn’t need me to be busy all the time, to earn it.

Deep in my spirit, I knew my works can’t make God love me more, but my attitude towards Him, sure gave off that impression.

If you are in that place that finds you questioning Gods goodness and love for you. I wanna remind you, that Gods word remains true. He will NOT leave us or forsake us. Jesus is longing to bring you true peace. A peace that only He can bring. In our messiest, ugliest situations, God loves to display His faithfulness, and wonder in our lives. What a beautiful thought that is! When we feel that we are at the end of our rope, God displays His beauty in miraculous ways.

We can look at ALL that’s happening around, and see that God is still GOOD! He is able. He is still faithful. He is still there!!! Working ALL things for our GOOD!

There are so many dimensions to Gods love! I’ve been serving Him for 9 years, and each year throughout, I continue to learn more about God, and all His glory. All is goodness. All of His ways. It never gets old!

 

DON’T COMPLICATE THINGS

Though I have experienced Gods FEIRCE LOVE I still experienced a distance between us due to change in my life. But, Gods love is never changing. Gods love will continue to remain constant. God’s love will continue to pursue me in all my changes of life. His love is there – not only for me, but it is also there for you as well!

Praying you experience the wonder of God!

 

Rest in Him friend,

With love,

Rosie Hernandez